Kinks in the chain…

kinkSome days are certainly more difficult than others. as I’ve been reflecting a lot over the last few weeks, I’ve come to understand better that this truly is a journey not a destination.  And that so much is mind over matter.

The first three months post-surgery have been relatively simple.  I shed a ton of weight.  I’m learning how much I can consume at a time and what I particularly like to consume, which funny enough, isn’t much.  Food doesn’t taste the same, chewing is a workout, and swallowing some foods is a marathon.  Now with all that said, you’d think that I would be wasting away.  Truth is, old habits are hard to kill.  I’ve been eating in spite of those things lately, and not healthy choices, either.  I’ve been in almost a “panic” mode lately.  Like I’m freaked out at my weight loss — scared to go further — so I’ve been sabotaging.  It’s an interesting look for myself at the way my mind thinks.

The surgery I had does not generally result in “dumping” syndrome.  Which means I can consume bread, carbs and sugar and my body doesn’t generally reject it.  I can but really, should I?  Probably not.  Not healthy choices — empty calories and all.  But that’s what I’ve been munching on — and not just because of Thanksgiving.  I’ve felt nervous and when I’m nervous these are the comfort foods I turn to.  That and we haven’t been stocking the kitchen with “safe” foods for me exactly.  And that’s no one’s fault but my own.

The hardest thing to come to terms with is that this is all about decisions.  And that I am in control of those decisions.  So here I am, deciding.  Recommitting.  I have come so far, but I have much further to go.  I’ve been back to the gym, which is a good thing — I took a week-long break from that and I felt like a sloth.  And I am pacing out my meals and trying to be really conscious of what I eat.  My goal is to lose another 15 pounds by February 1st.  That would put me close to 210 and probably another drop in jean sizes.  The scale isn’t the only indicator, but it’s the easiest one to gauge my progress — that and my measurements.  I had this surgery so I could regain my health, and I am well on my way to doing that — I just have to remember, getting “thinner” isn’t the destination — changing my mind to change my body inside and out is the destination — and that remains a work in progress — and I’m sure that will be a journey for the rest of my life.

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