The hardest thing…


I guess I should preface this post with “by the way, we’re moving”… I promise a whole other post on that…but for now, for today, for this morning, I feel a tinge of sadness.  Change comes easily for me.  It always has.  And I have a deep seeded belief that what you put out there for God to hear, he answers one way or another.  Years ago I put out there I wanted to move east.  So many things have had to happen to make that a reality, but here we are.  I detach easily as well.  I don’t feel angst or concern or sadness over change, I embrace it…generally.

But today I am sad — I am sad because I think it’s finally sinking in that time is the one thing change steals.  I was looking at my designer options last night (we’re building new) and I was a little overwhelmed by the choices this builder offers.  I’ve never seen anything this varied that wasn’t a custom build.  So, I immediately texted Mel that if she wasn’t busy to drop everything and come join me — which she did.

I take for granted she’s right down the street.  She used to live 2 minutes away, but then she moved.  Now she’s 6 minutes away, and sometimes that irritates me.  I’m about to move 1,500 miles away…and that makes me sad.

Mel and I have shared a lifetime together.  We met when I was 32.  She’s seen me when we were struggling financially, when I returned to work, when I had littles and when they started to get big.  She’s seen me before my meds (and loved me anyway), she’s seen me mature and blossom in so many areas.  She’s got my back when I’m angry, when I am frustrated, when I have good news to share.  She’s my biggest cheerleader.  She knows me so much better than I know myself.  She knows the intonations in my voice and what they actually mean.

Like the 4th, we were at Mel’s house and my daughter was there and said something, I can’t remember now what it was, and my voice inflected up in my answer.  Mel chuckled and said, “that’s her polite voice.”  And it was.  I cracked up, and my heart broke all at the same time.  I was about to write that I can’t imagine anyone else ever knowing me like that, but that implies I hope one day someone does.  I actually don’t.  And really, no one could — that history between 30 and 50 years old is a enormous time of growth in a person’s life.  I can’t imagine any other decade (or multiple decades) will equal that period of defining myself — and Mel was along for the big ride.  I don’t want a replacement BFF — the one I have fits like a glove and I treasure her.  I want to somehow pack her up and bring her with to explore this new area, this new phase in my life together.

We have been everything together — friends, mom’s, business partners — but above it all — we have become sisters.  And I am thankful we share that bond.  I know 1,500 miles isn’t the end of the world — or the end of our friendship for that matter.  It just feels like a bit of a chasm right now.  I know we’ll navigate it, but for today I feel sad.  A longing for some time — for more time together.  I guess I didn’t understand the gravity of the decision to move until this week.  I don’t regret the decision to start a new adventure, I just hope it is an “add on” to the adventures we’ve shared.

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