The Ostrich Effect…

So…apparently ignoring the cancer hasn’t made it’s effects go away.  That’s the route I’ve been taking the last few weeks post-surgery.  If I just don’t pay it mind, if I just go about my business, it’ll be like it never happened.  Well, that hasn’t worked.  It has caught up with me.  In the way of utter exhuastion.  Ugh.

Yesterday marked radiation treatment #11.  Should’ve been #12, but snowmaggedon 2018 here in Charlotte hit and the whole city shut down.  Now, I get it.  Here in the south they don’t get snow like we did in the west or in the north.  They don’t have the equipment to handle it (plows, salt, etc.) and no one knows how to drive in it so it’s just best if everyone stay home and off the roads, but coming from Chicago and then Denver, I had to chuckle.  For days prior to the storm we had regular updates from Brad, the weather guy, telling us how bad this storm would be and that we needed to hunker down…

Kenzie was so excited.  The one thing she’s felt like she was missing from Denver around the holidays was snow.  We woke on Sunday to a message that church had been cancelled and yes, it was a beautiful white, glistening day outside, but in the end it was a little underwhelming:

Nope…that’s it.  It fell a little heavier after I snapped this shot.  Charlotte proper reported about 2.8″ in the end and I’ll say that’s about what we had total.  It did eventually cover the sidewalk and a kind neighbor boy rang our bell asking if we needed him to dig us out.  What I have come to believe is that when a storm is coming…all of Charlotte prepares to make French toast.  The store shelves were bare of milk, eggs and bread.  LOL.

Kenzie and I used the storm to enjoy a little baking for the holidays.  We’re not done yet but we’ve cracked a good start.  We made brittle and fudge so far.  And they both turned out beautifully.  Gotta love living at sea level.

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Kenzie loves to bake and was certainly in her happy place…

Prior to the storm, Harley had a “Ladies Night” down at the dealer.  My friend Karen offered to attend with me.  Karen is interested in learning to ride and I can’t support her enough in that endeavor…we had a really nice time sitting on bikes and perusing the store.  

While there, we visited a table of hand crafted jewelry.  The woman selling her goods explained that her boys were on the “shooting” team at school (another novelty of the South) and that every piece of her jewelry contained a spent shell.  The pieces were really unique and one caught my eye.  It was everything I swore I wouldn’t have to represent my fight against this stupid cancer.  It was pink…it was blingy…and it was badass.  I saw that spent shell and thought, “that represents the fight I have everyday.”

Every day I wake up and decide.  I decide it’s going to be a good day.  Today I am going to be bigger than this hiccup.  I am going to go on like I normally would.  Wake up, spend some time in the Word, work out, shower, take a quick ride to the hospital, come home, work, hang out with the family, enjoy some TV and hit the sack.  NORMAL other than the trip to the hospital, but even that I just sort of slip in.  But then there’s days it catches up with me and I am tired.  

Even though this weekend was relatively low key and I napped like crazy, I still feel and look tired.  My eyes are heavy and dark circles are forming that I can’t quite cover with concealer.  My muscles ache, and not in the accomplished way they do from working out.  I find myself staring at my computer screen in a daze by 2pm every day.  I’m just…tired.  And I know things could be so much worse and I’m thankful they are not, but I have come to understand that I need to listen to my body.

I had my weekly doctor meet and greet after radiation yesterday.  Frank and Kenzie joined me this time, which made it incredibly difficult to smile and deny the effects treatment and this journey is taking on me.  The nurse asked if I was tired.  I smiled and said it wasn’t too bad.  The doctor came in and asked the same question and Frank offered that I was pretty spent by the end of the day.  And in all truth I am.  

I’ve decided to give in, to go along, to listen.  I talked to my boss last night, who, along with our team at the office, has been absolutely wonderful during this whole thing.  I am going on part-time hours for a few weeks and taking the week of Christmas off to recover from all this.  Hopefully that will help me regain my strength and head in to the new year ready to be back to full speed.  

I am not good at sitting.  My nature is to go – go – go.  This will take some practice and some reminding that this is only for a short time.  That missing a party or a gathering in the next month is not a ‘sentence’ of sorts, but a kindness I am showing to myself.  This will definitely take some reminding along the way.  But I am ready to concede that I am not, in fact, super woman.  And that by admitting this I am not weak or admitting cancer “won”.  I am simply listening to my body and doing what I need to do to win; to be well and to be healed.