The Gym…

gymI, like many, have a love-hate relationship with the gym.  Today I loved it.  Tomorrow I may not feel the same.  Going home and having such a great appointment with my doc and realizing how far I’ve come has reinvigorated my drive for fitness for sure.  Also, looking in the mirror, naked, has helped encourage me to get back to working out consistently.  I started off gang-busters.  Walking every day.  Sometimes with friends, sometimes with Frank, sometimes alone.  Walk…walk…walk.  Then we moved.  And once we settled I started walking again.  And walking is great — but it’s not strengthening to the level I need assistance in that area.

Now that I’ve shed 60 pounds my skin doesn’t fit quite so well.  And I’m sure I have more elasticity in my skin than some.  I was athletic once upon a time and my body does have some muscle memory, but seriously, the parts that don’t remember don’t look great.  I am willing, in the end, to have some minor plastic surgery (mommy tuck for sure), but I am not willing to have circumferential plastic surgery to fix my gut.  Currently it’s not my gut that’s got me focused.  It’s my legs.  My inner thighs.  Specifically around my knees.  Just not pretty.  Not even in fitness clothes.  I can see the shape and it’s not what I would like to have in the end.  So, back to the gym.  Today I focused on aerobic, but used the elliptical.  That tends to work both my inner and outer thighs.  And I kicked butt.  My heart is responding great to the routine.  It’s really difficult for me to exceed 140 bpm.  My resting heart rate averages around 54.  And I’ve been working on stretching.  Three days a week I’m hitting 9-round which combines HIIT with strength training through kickboxing.  Which, if you don’t think you engage your muscles doing that – give it a try!

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not down on myself.  I’m not really all that superficial either.  I’m not looking for a bikini body — though I’d take it — who wouldn’t.  I’m just looking to be healthy on the inside and reflect that on the outside.  I want to be proud of the work I’ve put in and be able to show it off a bit.  Right now I’m not feeling like a dress above the knee will work because of what I see.  It’s fixable.  It will take some focus and some dedication.  I get it.  And it may still never be perfect.  I guess that’s the next part of the journey.  Learning to love my body as it is.  Right where it is.  I know I’ll only be able to do so much.  And that I may have to have surgery to “fix” the rest.  I guess I’ll know better what I’m willing to do once I arrive.  But that’s a ways off.  I’m very curious to see where I am in another 60 pounds.  I think that is about where I will end up.  Around 165.  I think that’s reasonable and something I can maintain.  Now that is still over all the charts for my height — they all point to 150 as the top end of what I should weigh, but I’ve never maintained that weight and eaten at the same time…just not healthy.  165 allows for lean muscle mass and a reasonable maintenance regimen.   One that I’m willing to uphold, anyway.  We shall see.  There’s a long road between here and there.

It’s fascinating to be on this journey.  Especially having moved.  No one here knows I’m even on it.  I just showed up looking like I currently do.  It’s kind of freeing.  I’m still a “big” girl.  But I’m more average than exceptional now.  I blend in better with the masses.  In pictures I don’t stand out in a crowd.  It’s a weird place to be.  I was always so focused on feeling like the biggest girl in the room.  And that was an uncomfortable, scary place to be.  I was always worried I was taking up too much room.  Now I can sit in an airplane chair and not “spill” over.  I sit at church and don’t instinctually move the chair over so I have more room.  Frank sat the entire service this past Sunday with his arm around me and I molded into his side.  It was comfortable.  I wasn’t self-conscious like I used to be.  I fit.  And this is a wonderful place to be.

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