Contemplation…

So, I know it’s been a while.  Life is busy.  Eating has been up and down, which has really led me to a lot of contemplation.  And contemplation has led to some really hefty decisions.  My goal is starting this, and every other weight loss endeavor throughout my adult life has been about health.  Not about skinny.  And my problem with weight loss is not generally in the losing, it’s in the maintaining and remembering to continue my good habits a year down the road.  As I assessed my history the pattern emerged.  Lose – gain.  Lose – gain.  Lose – gain – gain – gain.  Etc.  All the while my metabolism is shot, my cortisol is up up up and my frustration and ability to achieve the success I want seems to grow more distant as my health is in greater jeopardy.

On Friday I am visiting with a bariatric surgeon.  Now, before anyone gets all encouraging and attempts to temper my pursuit because it’s “drastic” or they “know I can do it naturally” or they feel this is the “easy way out”… let me tell you — It is, long term I don’t believe I can and it’s not.

This is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever contended with.  I am successful in so many other areas of my life.  I am a high achiever.  I work hard, I set lofty goals, I knock them out of the park — except on the health front.  And I’m tired.  This is not an easy road.  What will be required of me from start to the long-term isn’t for the faint of heart.  In fact, it’s a much harder road than it would be to stick with a program and lose weight…if that’s all it took.  I just have a really screwed up relationship with food.  And I’m not being negative.  I’m being real.

I found a doc I think I will mesh well with.  He has a very holistic approach.  His team works closely with its patients and follows them for five years.  I’ve watched his video introduction series twice and there something very calming about him.  I meet him in person on Friday morning.  I’m both excited and terrified.  I know this is permanent.  I know there will be a lot of changes I have to make to make this work.  But I feel at this juncture, I need a more permanent tool.  Something to alter my physical relationship with food so I can really get a handle on the mental relationship I have.

I ask if you are reading this, and are so incline to do so, please pray for me and for Frank in making this decision.  Please pray for peace and for the knowledge if this is the correct thing for me.  And if it is, for success in the process.  It’s a long road, but I am willing to do what I need to do so my daughter doesn’t one day become a mother without a daughter.

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