The in between…

These moments of “in between” are a little like being caught in the rolling fog of the early morning. At first, you see a light mist in front of you and before you know it, you can’t see anything at all. It can be unnerving.

Waiting on a diagnosis is a little like that.

Six years ago, in 2018, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Once I had the diagnosis and a path for treatment, I went head-long into healing and never had a moment of real concern. Something in me felt things were going to turn out and in my times of prayer, I felt God beside me and my doctors during the entire journey.

About a month ago I went for my annual physical. I was very excited because I’d lost nearly 20 pounds between my last visit in March and this appointment in May — having changed to a whole foods, plant-based diet I was excited to share my journey and my success with my doctor (my ‘PA’ (physician’s assistant, to be more accurate)).

Bianca was excited for my success and encouraged me to continue with this lifestyle. That was great, because you never know how someone in the medical field will react to that news.

After our conversation, she began my exam. All the normal things — checking my eyes, nose, throat, and then she put her hands on my neck to feel my glands. And that’s where she remained for a few lingering minutes.

There were a few hmmmmm’s and more circular motions on the left side of the front on my neck with her fingers.

“Give me your hand,” she said. So I did.

“Do you feel that?” I didn’t.

“It’s like a small, hard pebble that moves around. It’s on your thyroid.”

Well, I don’t like the sound of that.

We decided two things at that point.

1. We would do a blood draw with emphasis on my thyroid; and
2. We would schedule an ultrasound.

Who knew an ultrasound would take three weeks?

I recently changed doctors and health systems. I had been seeing doctors in the Atrium network here in SC for the majority of the time I’ve lived here. It’s a giant medical network and when I had my first blush of a problem on my mammography, everything happened so quickly I barely had time to breath. But service at my original doctor’s office had spiraled to not-very-good rather quickly and a new medical office opened less than five minutes from my house, in the other network, but still, how could I not give it a try. Caromont is a much smaller network, I’m learning, and they move slower — not as much availability. It doesn’t really matter — until it does. We’ll see if I continue with Caromont depending on the next few days.

I finally got in to my ultrasound on Friday, and sure enough, my results came back later that afternoon through MyChart. I had read it before my doc even had the chance. Turns out, there’s something there. But it’s not on my thyroid.

It’s the lymph node itself. Great.

Looks like I have a 1.7 cm cortical thickening of my left lymph node.

What does that mean? Dr. Google has a lot of not-so-great things to say about it, of course. But I’m not prone to hysteria. However, I’m also a realist and this is not good news.

Next step – biopsy. I was given the option of standing by for another two months while we monitor the site to see if it get’s larger. Is that really even a choice?

Clearly we’re going to biopsy the thing.

I don’t know how long it will take to get the appointment – I’m hoping to have it scheduled for the end of this week. I was already taking a mental health day from work – not the way I planned on spending it, but here we are.

And here I stand in the in between once again. Not sure of what I’m dealing with or what the outcome will be, but ready to face it and figure it out.

Until then, my good friend, Beth, gave me some verses to cling to…and they’ve been really comforting…

Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness! You have given me relief when I was in distress. Be gracious to me and hear my prayer! O men, how long shall my honor be turned into shame? How long will you love vain words and seek after lies? Selah But know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself; the Lord hears when I call to him.” ~ Psalm 4:1-3 ESV

“In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.” ~ Psalm 4:8 ESV