Remembering who I am…

It’s been an intersting ride these last several months.

I’ve traveled nearly non-stop since the end of May…some of that was for personal, vacation and such, and a lot of it was for business. Denver, California, Denver again and Vegas. I am a free spirit and generally enjoy traveling; arriving at the destination at least. But between the travel and the unrealistic pace/work load these days at the office, I am for sure feeling burned out.

I use the Marco Polo app — some weeks more and better than others — lately I’ve bee awful at it. For those who are unfamiliar – it’s a video chat app that allows you to record messages for people and then when they have a moment, they can watch and listen and respond back. Much better than a text, way more convenient than FaceTime if you run a busy schedule like most of us do.

My friend, Jen, left me a message the other day and I finally had two minutes to listen to it yesterday. And she quoted me back to me…it was both a hard pill to swallow and a really, really good reminder for me.

Your job is what you do…not who you are.

I’ve been utterly consumed with both the work at hand and the drama that has become our department over the last few months. Our fearless leader, Crystal, took a new job about a year ago – the transition period went great – our 2nd in command was our interim leader – then they hired a new guy. Things have been difficult since. Change is hard. All these things have been wearing on me, draining me, certainly sucking my creativity dry.

A few months from now I will be celebrating a milestone birthday — 5-0. Fifty years old. Some people reach this age and feel really satisfied with where they are in their life. Others question how they got here.

As I sit and review, I have few regrets. I don’t live in regret for the most part. I look at life as a series of experiences and lessons. I’ve learned a lot of lessons a long the way. But as I approach this milestone, I am wondering what direction I should go next.

I have a dream, a vision, that God has placed on my heart. I have no doubt whatever that it is the source from which it came. It is really the culmination of all the gifts, tangible and spiritual, that I have been given in this life. I’be been wrestling with who I am meant to be so much for the last year. Some days I’m just plain tired, some days I’m distracted, but most of the time, it’s because I feel fear. Who am I to be this person I envision. What do I have to offer others who struggle? Sure I have experiences to share, but are mine really as monumental as others’ have been?

Some days my humaness gets the better of me.

Yesterday I sat down and offered a heartfelt prayer. I didn’t just pray and move on. I felt my words as they left my body. There was an ache in the offering of my deepest concerns and wishes. At the end of my quietness, my prayer time, I felt a peace wash over me.

I am the girl who pursues her dreams…

I remembered who I am. I am smart. I am talented. I am brave. I am called.

My friend Beth recommended a great book to me on Monday, I had it by Wednesday, and I’m about half-way through it as of last night. It’s so, so wonderful. It’s called, “You Are the Girl For the Job,” by Jess Connolly.

Through its pages I am being reminded every step of the way that if I have been called, then I have been equipped for the challenges. Which brings me to my favorite verse in Ephesians:

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago.

Ephesians 2:10

I think I need to spend some time with this verse today…to erase my doubts and remind myself who I am…I am the girl who pursues her dreams…