I am such a fall girl. Only problem with that is that we moved to the South. Where the start of fall = 91 degrees. Ugh. I am so ready to see the trees start changing color. While searching for fall decor ideas on Pinterest, I stumbled upon a really simple project. By purchasing the cheapy plastic gourds and pumpkins at Walmart and then buying some coastal colored chalk paint, I could make a cute fall centerpiece. Once upon a time I was quite the crafter…but years have passed since that time of my life. I wasn’t sure I still had it in me. I guess I still do.
I was happy with how it turned out. And it offered a nice distraction on a day I wasn’t feeling quite myself.
Yesterday was weird. Picture yourself if you were an extreme introvert who was going to a social event where you gave yourself permission to act like an extrovert, but when you arrived everything you tried to do to achieve that just came out more awkward than had you remained true to your nature. That’s how I felt.
Giving myself permission to “feel” is unchartered territory for me. Not that I’m an unfeeling person, I’m not. I am uber-compassionate for others, but I am a fixer. I am actively engaged in problem solving at work, and in my personal life. I’m good at it. This sitting and waiting for the doctor’s appointments and being touchy-feely with my emotions, it’s not working for me. Albeit only day two of the experiment, but it’s not going smoothly.
Yesterday I literally found myself pausing after tasks to evaluate how I felt. Was I thinking about cancer? Was I feeling ok? Was I in any pain or discomfort? Seriously? Then I just got annoyed with myself. Then I found myslef annoyed that I didn’t have a plan in place yet. I didn’t know what the immediate future looked like so I could actively be doing something towards it. Like I said, weird day. So, the end of the work day was slow, and strangely quiet. I decided to take the last hour “off” and paint. And that was good. That was distracting and calmed my brain. Painting has always been my “zen” place.
This weekend is my church’s women’s retreat. I’m so excited to go. It’s at Lake Junaliska up near Asheville. My favorite part of the state, so far. I am rooming with my friend, Tammy. We co-host a bible study on Tuesday nights. She’s super authentic. Down to earth. My kinda girl. We’ll make good roomies. I’m excited to get to know other ladies from church and start making more connections with them. Now that we’ve found our churh home, it’s time to dig in.
I think I’m done with forcing myself to “feel”. Whatever comes up, whatever I do feel, however I react for now I’m just going to go with it, through it. There’s really no wrong or right way to approach having cancer. It is what it is. And I guess I’ll figure it out as I go.